Top Eggs Announcement

Coming soon, A totally new and updated Top Eggs news site, bigger and better than ever! It should be ready soon, jam packed with exclusive news stories and other useless shit.

But wait... don't take are word for it, read what the reviews are saying...

"Better than the BBC!" - Gary Bushell

"Simple amazing! I'm gobsmacked!" - Paul Ross

"Someone told me it looks really good." - David Blunkett

"It will make my life complete when it's ready" - Nora Batty

So there you have it... it's going to be massive. Watch this space!

Cliff Richard Bum Scare

Peter Pan of Pop and sexual pessimist, Sir Cliff Richard, was cordoned off for several hours this morning whilst bomb disposal experts detonated a suspect package, found in the entrance of the aging pop-stars anus.

The controlled explosion shattered near by shop windows and brought central London to a complete standstill for almost six minutes.

Police were first made aware of the device by member of the public, Nyle Dylon, who was visiting Mr Richard's bum-hole on a pilgrimage.

"I was alone in the anal cavity, just paying my respects to the great man, and quietly masterbating, when I noticed what looked like a bomb hidden in an unattended carrier bag."

This is the second bomb of its type discovered in a celebrity back-passage. Last month a 200lb nail-bomb tore Des Lynam's sphincter clean off whilst he entertained some children at a local pool.

Sir Cliff first came to national attention in 1949 with his first smash hit album "Cliff's Gonna Fuck You Up!" and then the follow up album "Gods Big Gay Rodeo".

Bin Laden's War Crime Sandwich

A half eaten cheese and pickle sandwich thought to be part of Osama Bin Laden's lunch prior to the September 11 attacks, is to go on trial in Guantanamo Bay, charged by the U.S. Government with war crimes.

The sandwich stands accused of supporting terrorism by way of nourishment, and, if found guilty, faces the rest of its shelf-life in prison.

This is the second prosecution of its kind and follows the successful conviction of Bin Laden's chauffeur Salim Hamdan. A man who is said to be a major player in the world of driving people about in cars. He was given a five and a half year sentence.

Government officials now hope to bring similar charges against other Guantanamo detainees, including Bin Laden's personal fitness instructor, a pair of brown sandals once worn by the Taliban leader to attend a school dance, and a stray dog he once stopped to stroke on the way to the shops to buy bread.

Zookeeper Escapes

Police officers have cordoned off a three mile radius around Chester Zoo this morning after a 200lb zoo-keeper escaped from the staff canteen.

The 52 year old is thought to be a particularly aggressive male call Ted. Authorities are asking the public not to approach him if spotted, and warn he may have to be murdered once caught.

Chester Zoo and Ted hit the headlines in 2001 when he managed to successfully breed with the resident panda Shit-Head.

Prince Will's to Wed!

Buckingham Palace officials today announced that Prince William is to marry his long-term brother Harry.

The couple, who have been brothers since Harry's birth over 20 years ago, roused suspicion of an engagement earlier in the year when Harry was seen wearing a £500,000 diamond ring whilst performing a circumcision at his local mosque.

Their father, Princess Charles, says he is delighted for the pair and adds "They are keeping up a long tradition of interbreeding between Royal families. I'm very proud of them and look forward to hearing the pitter-patter of tiny feet soon!"

Both Wills and Harry are expected to spend their stag-night in Blackpool, lap-dancing.

Tesco's Celebrity Spunk Factory

Controversy surrounds the Tesco's supermarket chain this week as it revealed plans to stock and sell Celebrity Semen to shoppers across the country.

Tesco Chief executive Terry Leaky believes it's a fantastic idea and that the new product will be "lapped up" by young girls eager to have celebrity hybrid children of their own.

"Girls these days don't want just any old common spunk. They want only the best A-list celebrity spunk, and why not!"

"Young girls feel closer than ever to their idols and we believe this is a fantastic way of helping them be part of that vacuous and pretentious lifestyle."

But not all celebrity donors are equal, and where a 25ml jar of Jude Law's yield will set you back £300, girls on lower incomes will most likely have to settle for a pint of Ralph Little or a litre of Chris Moyles, both of which will be priced at around 50p.

Over one hundred celebrities have signed up to get involved, and Robbie Williams has already agreed to do a one-off, promotional "Milking" session with the public.

To help launch Tesco's jizz-fest, this months issue of Girl Guide Magazine comes with a free turkey baster and a trial size sachet of Gareth Gates slop.

Donald Trumps

Multi millionaire Donald Trump shocked TV audiences last night when he broke wind during a live interview with CNN's Ashraf Qazi.

Far from accidently 'letting one slip', when asked about his "amazing hairstyle", Trump dropped his pants to his ankles and farted directly into the mouth of a stunned Qazi, before storming out of the studio.

Producers tried in vein to entice Trump back into the studio with plates of chicken stock and freeze dried snails, to no avail.

Qazi later described the bowel emission as smelling something similar to an elephant with full blown AIDS and an elf wearing a leather jacket.